All Hail the Great Internet Brain...A Junk Mail Tale

After a long battle with the impressively stubborn procrastinator within me, I recently bit the bullet, dusted off the laptop and toppled myself screaming into the icy waters of the world of online blogging.

I am quite a hypocrite when it comes to technology, as definitely don't not want to live without my iPod, laptop or Android phone. However, as soon as any of these appliances demand the slightest bit of attention from me (such as screaming to be fed, watered or charged) I instantly become irritated at how the world has been taken over by faceless technology. 

I have a similar unpredictable temperament towards computers outside the hours of 9 – 5. All day I will float with ease through programmes, spreadsheets, shortcuts and emails, but as soon as I push the exit button on the office door, I leave this modern version of myself propped uncomfortably on my ergonomic spine-deforming chair and float back to the mid 90s where “just pull the plug out” was a reasonable solution to any technological crisis.

It is for this reason that I have dreaded starting a blog, despite knowing it was inevitable sooner or later as an aspiring writer. I resented it. But then something happened. I became...one of them. I got a hit!

After a few months, I found myself edging towards the 3000 hits mark. Now, this is a drop in the ocean as far as the internet goes, but for me starting out sitting in my mum’s attic, tapping away on a six year old IBM brick, it feels like a massive achievement. That’s still 3000 people (or, probably more likely, 10 really supportive people) who have stumbled across my little blog and actually read what I have had to say.

My favourite part about blogging is the stats. The stats are what make people blog junkies. On the nights you’re too tired to write, it’s the stats that get you going again. You try not to look for ages, but then you think “I’ll just have one more look before bed”.  And that starts the whole cycle again...”I’ll just check my email again quickly...may as well just check my facebook...oooh, what’s that they’re talking about?”... (stalk stalk stalk)...”man I’m tired...I’ll just check my stats one more time...”

And on it goes.

The best part about the stats is being able to see what country your hits are coming from. The part that always blows my mind is when you suddenly see someone pop up from Peru. Or Sweden. Seven hits from Germany. Who are you people?! Please tell me, because I love you!

This all got me thinking about how powerful the internet is and how amazing it is that one little blog from Scotland can reach to the four corners of the earth, ending up, through some bizarre chain of internet events, on the screen of someone, somewhere in Peru. (Seriously, if you’re the Peruvian speak up because I think about you heaps... although that definitely came out a lot creepier than I meant it to... Let’s move on...)

However, there is also a scary and disconcerting element to this. I opened my junk mail folder today to 250 unread messages. The cross section of offers I am getting is unbelievable. The life I could be leading with everything I’m offered is unimaginable.  

For a start the internet seems desperate to get me hooked up. What do you fancy tonight? Asian singles, Jewish dating, BlackPeopleMeet or Christian Mingle?  

If I decide to settle down I can go for business funding, Satellite TV, bathroom remodelling, kitchen cabinets and auto insurance for my new hybrid car. I’ll take out a dental plan, buy a restaurant franchise, sort out my cholesterol then have a mid-life crisis, cash in my e-life policy, take out a credit card and spend it on airline tickets. 

Or maybe I’ll run off with a man from Fifty Plus, who works as a voice over and has an online degree from Lexington Law, a sports utility vehicle, a home sauna and a case full of Viagra. Sucked in by his youthful fashion sense that consists of cowboy boots and a skull cap, we’ll take a free cruise in the Caribbean before I realise he has a spy camera and a certificate from photography school.  Tail between my legs, I’ll return home to my life, pay off my house in 5-7 years, try a cooking class and then file for bankruptcy after trying to fix up my diabetes and arthritis, the costs of which I just cannot cover with my online sales job. 

And then, just as I’m teetering on the brink of full scale depression, I’ll receive an offer that will change my life. I’ll get 50% off at SimplyInk.com – for all my ink needs.

My impression was that the junk mail, or "advertising" was supposed to be geared towards some type of target audience. I dread to think what profile of me is sitting out there in cyberworld.

In a way, I could almost forgive the internet for putting me into the target range for all the above products. Maybe, being generous, I’d think “hey, you guys know me pretty well!” But one thing, one singular product, has broken my faith in the internet as an all-knowing power.

Clogs.

In what conceivable world of insane ridiculousness would I ever have a want or need for clogs?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just think this internet stuff is getting out of control.

F*cking clogs. Honestly.