Every time we welcome a new revision of the iSomething into the world, we bid farewell to the rationality of so many loved ones who have, yet again, morphed into senseless maniacs at the prospect of a new toy from Apple. Do people realise that the amount of money they are spending on a singular product could get them an all-inclusive holiday in the sun? Are they aware that ‘all-inclusive’ means booze is included?
Something’s not right. The grip Apple has over the world is starting to make me feel a little uncomfortable.
My problem with Apple is not their success. I believe in celebrating success, as long as it is deserved. An example of undeserved success is ‘Jedward’. Or should I say “are” Jedward? No, I believe they market themselves as a singular nonsense, rather than multiple nonsenses. Or maybe ‘Jedward’ is just an umbrella term for all spawn of a terrifying artificial gene pool that specialises in the procreation of crap celebrities, hot-housed until they are ready to land on a sub-standard Freeview channel near you. Summer 2013 IS ‘Big Brother’s Celebrity Masterchef Parents on Ice have the Jungle-Factor!’
My brain is so numb with excitement I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate on anything else all winter. I’m just going to put on the TV and wait.
Anyway, I digress - I don’t hate Jedward for being successful. Good on them. They’re laughing. It’s us, the public, who are insane enough to allow this success. I will not, however, celebrate this success, because Jedward never, ever, should have been allowed to slip through the fame net. They should barely have been allowed to slip through the birth net. But Apple is actually good at what it does. It's success is justified. Therefore the success of Apple is not my problem.
To be giving out anti-Apple advice in the first place, I suppose I must have had a problem long before I lost all my friends to a multinational corporation. It can’t be jealousy. So what's my quandary?
I have concluded that my problem with Apple is FEAR. What else in the world is completely socially acceptable whilst openly squeezing increasing amounts of money out of its drip-fed addicts? Who else gets away with continuously releasing unjustified new versions of things people already have anddidn't even know they needed in the first place, but suddenly, within the flash of a thirty second ad and catchy tune, simply cannot live without? It’s like smoking in the 50s. Except it won’t kill you. Or so you think…
Until its recent departure from this world, I did all my work on something I call the ‘Crapple’. It’s a 2005 IBM Thinkpad with a missing 'S' key and an Apple sticker on the lid. It was literally the most infuriating piece of equipment imaginable, to the extent that I physically punched it on an increasingly regular basis. But at least the Crapple had a bit of humanity. When it got cold, it took a while to get going. When it got hot, it didn’t feel like doing anything. It needed a lot of sleep. And it lost its keys.
But the Crapple never had any power over me, other than onan irritating but unimportant time-wasting level. I knew what I was dealing with. I was the ruler of the Crapple. Especially when I taught it a lesson by punching its stupid fat face.
But Apple is a bit of an unknown quantity. I made the mistake of getting involved in iPods when they came out and now I can't walk 20 meters without shoving the thing in my ears. Not only has the iPod rendered me incapable for life of ever understanding Windows Media Player, but it has also superseded the hair straightener as my most essential material item on the planet. Anyone who has seen me in humidity knows how big a call that is. And now its manufacturer has taken from me the trust of the people I'm closest to. What the hell is going on?!
Just to add insult to injury, despite this quite sizeable chunk of personality and life that Apple appears to have stolen from me, it still has the tenacity to completely elude me when I attempt to actually work most of its products. Despite my best efforts to use Mac computers at various points in my life, the only way I have ever figured out how to switch one off is by pulling the plug.
And now pulling the plug isn’t an option, with the latest Apple products offering something like 70,000GB of storage, 3.2 million years battery life, and the ability to withstand a nuclear bomb along with the cockroaches (iPad 3 only). This is a big mistake. We should always be able to pull the plug. For all we know, Apple have planned a complete world takeover for an indeterminate point in the future. One day you’ll wake up, be innocently scrolling through your terrifyingly accurate iTunes recommendations (by the way, if a human showed this kind of "Genius" you’d angrily accuse them of going through your stuff) and then it will happen. Cue pop-up box - “Good morning idiot human. We have taken over the world.” And suddenly ‘Yes’ or ‘OK’ are your only options.
You all need to get out whilst you still can. Don’t get sucked in by the shiny things. You’ll regret it. But of course in saying that, I've probably single-handedly begun the Apple apocalypse.
And even after all this, the part of me I hate the most still wants a MacBook. We’re not in control anymore. I guess there’s nothing else for it but a spin off reality show. "I’m a Human – Get Me Out Of Here!"...
And the grand prize? Sponsored by Apple, it’s the gift of everlasting life. An infinity surrounded by cockroaches and iPads. It’s not that bad really. They have pretty colours on them now.